Today, Thursday, October 8, 2009 at 2:50 pm, my Jonathan entered the gates into Heaven. He was such a heroic fighter to the end. I could never express the feeling of loss or hurt, but I know deep in my heart that he is no longer in pain. The last three days, he has been asleep, but I know he’s been able to hear me. I asked him to squeeze my hand if he knew that mommy and daddy loved him, and he did. I asked him last night that when the time comes, if he could give me
some kind of sign that he’s no longer hurting and that he’s okay. Once I saw his sign, then I would be okay knowing that he’s safe. He passed away at home with family and when I looked out the window it was snowing. He never lets me down:)
We never talked about him dying, but I know that he knew. It’s been weeks since I saw his body failing him and I know that Jonathan knew because he would make remarks. Once for no reason, he just said, “Mommy, I love you.” Then another time he woke up in the middle of the night and said, “Mommy, I’m so lucky to have a mommy like you.” While he was in PICU, I had told him that everyday he was going to get better and that one at a time the tubes and IV’s would be taken out and we would go home. A couple of hours later, he said, “Mommy, you know what you said before?” I had forgotten, but then he said “You know, about the tubes coming out and getting better everyday and going home. Well, I don’t think it’s going to happen.”
Are we okay? No. Will we be okay? Yes. I’m not going to dwell on the years, the birthdays, the Christmas’s, and holidays that Jonathan isn’t going to have. To me that’s like looking at the glass half empty and I know that’s not how Jonathan looked at life. He never questioned why me? He just enjoyed it. I’m going to remember Jonathan’s 7 years of life with me and all the happy memories. The last 2 years and 7 months of fighting his cancer, gave us special mommy and son bonding time. I’m going to remember all that we were able to give him and all that he gave to us. I’m going to look at the glass as if it is half full. To do anything else would be to dishonor Jonathan.
Jonathan was an amazing child. He was sassy, feisty, comical, and so affectionate. He was way too mature for his age.
For those who knew Jonathan and for those who got to know him by following his Carepage, I ask that you don’t leave messages of condolences. I know that you are hurting for us. I know that we are in your thoughts and that your prayers are with us. What I would like to request is that you write one thing or things about Jonathan that you remember the most. It can be something that happened or something that just stood out. I ask that when you remember my son, that you remember the true meaning of what life is all about.
JONATHAN YONG-HOON LEE, 5/21/02 TO 10/8/09
Thank you all for your love and support.