1 year without my baby….

missI’ve been meaning to post this, but somehow I couldn’t get myself to. Friday, October 8th was the one year anniversary of Jonathan’s death. This may sound crazy, but it made me realize that he’s really gone. The first year was so hard, but I can’t imagine things getting any better. The realization that your baby is never going to be with you starts to sink in. Even if you try to think of other things, you just know. I’ve been really sad

lately. I remember this time last year still being in shock that it was over. That after 2 years and 7 months that he lost his battle.

I watch the trees turn yellow and orange and it brings me right back to last year. The pain, the sadness, and the feeling of emptiness. It brings me right back to the day he died. I knew he was going to die that Thursday. I woke up and just knew. I remember calling my sister in law and telling her that today was the day. Do you know what kills me. It’s the fact that I knew my son wasn’t ready to leave us. Did you know that when your dying that it takes up energy to do anything. During the last stages you don’t eat, or drink, and it’s even sometimes hard to swallow. That day right before Jonathan died, he was moving his legs. He looked like he was running from something. We kept telling him that it was okay to go and that he had to leave us. He had, had his eyes closed for 2 days and right before he died, he opened them, looked at us. One tear fell from his right eye and then he took his last breath.

Unconditional love. It’s the greatest gift of life, yet with it comes the greatest heartache.

On the video Page is a link to a video of Jonathan. He’s doing karate with Jena. The funny part of it is when Jena hugs him and the look on his face. It’s one of those precious moments in life. It’s one of the many things that I miss of my Jonathan.


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